


Monopoly

by Blanche_DuBois_Dreams_Of_Magic



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Forgive Me, Monopoly (Board Game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-18
Updated: 2016-04-18
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6594034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blanche_DuBois_Dreams_Of_Magic/pseuds/Blanche_DuBois_Dreams_Of_Magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Swan/Gold/Mills messed up family tree plays Monopoly because they need a low budget filler between their adventures. What can go wrong? Plots? Writing? Characterisations? Relationships?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monopoly

**Author's Note:**

> A/N
> 
> I don't own Once Upon A Time.
> 
> If I did, I'd mix it up. Magic Bean? More like magic coffee table. Oh a cursed hand? Call me when you've got an ENCHANTED PLUG SOCKET.
> 
> Yeah. I went there.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this for what it is! A small dose of attempted comedy - no beta and written pretty quickly. I just had to get it out.

 

“Just one game, right?”

Emma walked in and sat down on the last available cushion, popcorn in hand just in case things got ugly. She was in a room with the Dark One and the Evil Queen- if she choked on the popcorn she could at least get a suicide verdict. Murder by overly dramatic relative sharing a name with a Disney character was just embarrassing.

Henry sorted out the board and placed the cards down precisely.

“So what is this game?” Belle asked curiously from her place on the floor. She looked her usual cross between Vogue fashion model and small, curious woodland animal.

“It’s called Monopoly,” Henry replied as he pulled the dice from the box.

“More like a game of Capitalism,” Rumplestiltskin muttered. He was sitting uncomfortably in the armchair next to Belle, who was patting him on the knee placating him. This was his official first socialisation of the New Year. Probably his last too. It was June.

“Less talk, Chatty One,” Regina hit back. She was prim and proper on the small sofa and ready to win it seemed. It was more than they could all say for the rather dazed looking Snow White next to her, who just looked happy to be there…

“Oh David,” she cooed, “isn’t this _wonderful?_ It’s just what we’ve always wanted. Family time, all sitting together and-“

“-good grief,” Regina cut her off, rolling her eyes, “if this is how you start a game, you’ll be giving your money away to homeless people on Old Kent Road before you make it to the next GO.”

“Well I’m sorry for being happy.”

“I’d be apologising for that haircut personally.”

“ _Enough_!” Emma called out and everyone went silent. David looked at the board curiously.

“So what happens now?” he asked.

“Now we choose our pieces,” Henry said with a smile and threw the small bag of metal tokens on the table.

“I choose the dog!” Emma replied immediately and fished it out. Adulting meant you could get the dog first for once. It really was worth being over the 30 milestone for it.

“I want the top hat,” Regina picked her piece up, “it’ll be just like having Jefferson under my thumb again.”

“I’ll take the battleship,” David piped up and took his own piece, feeling very masculine for his choice.

“I’m always the car,” Henry picked up his own piece from the set.

Snow took a few moments looking at the pieces.

“I think I want… to be….” She considered the options carefully, “… the boot.”

“The _boot_?” Emma asked incredulously.

“Yes,” Snow curled her fingers around it defensively, “Emma, we missed out on the chance to buy you your first pair of _shoes_ and this piece symbolises that we will not miss this chance again with Neal.”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me. Okay, Gold & Belle, you’re up. Pick your tokens.”

Belle looked over the remaining pieces and sent Rumplestiltskin a beautiful smile.

“You pick for me, Rumple. I guess the pieces left symbolise my role at the Dark Castle so whichever one reminds you most of me and our time there.”

Rumplestiltskin seemed to go deathly white and everything was silent for way too long a time. Was he dead? Did he die?

“Sweetheart…” he cleared his throat nervously, “I couldn’t possibly pick…. Just one…. For you…”

“Oh come on Rumple, whichever task I was best at I guess. Wheelbarrow for gardening, iron for laundry or thimble for sewing.”

Was he sweating? He was now sweating. Regina cackled.

“Oh dear,” she smirked, “I believe he’s saying you were shit at them all.”

Belle gasped and looked at Rumplestiltskin imploringly “Rumple!”

“Not… not _shit,_ Belle, you just… you had a way of.... well-“

“-is this because of that time I sewed your waistcoat just a little bit too loose?”

“Of course not darling! It’s because you sewed it with bright pink thread!”

“Oh and I suppose you’re going to bring up the whole cactus thing now!”

“You _killed_ it, Belle! You _killed_ a cactus! That plant is designed to survive with _nothing_ and you managed to kill it!”

“Fine!” Belle shouted loudly, “I guess I’ll take the iron then!”

Rumple looked sheepish as he picked up the thimble token and placed it gently down beside her iron on ‘GO’.

“… You once accidentally put poison ivy in with the wash-“

“- that was intentional.”

 

****

 

They were 15 minutes in to the game when the first chance card was picked up. Emma groaned as she landed on the square and readied herself to head straight to jail. Like it wasn’t the first time. Give this money in tax, go directly to jail, owe rent. It was like the game of life, not Monopoly.

“Okay,” she sighed, “let’s get this over with.”

She stared intently at the instructions on the card (ignoring the flash of the polaroid camera and excited squeal of Snow as she whispered “her _first_ chance card! This one is going in the album, David!”)

“’You come second in a beauty pageant,” she read slowly, “due to a deal you made with the Dark One. Give him $20’ …. Wait, seriously?”

Rumplestiltskin smirked and had his hand out ready for the money.

“That doesn’t make sense,” Henry started to rifle for the instructions.

“Uphold what it says on the card, dearie,” Rumplestiltskin sneered.

Emma looked around confused and caught Regina’s eye.

“You can’t seriously allow him to get away with this,” she beseeched. Regina swirled a cocktail stick in her nearly empty glass.

“Normally I wouldn’t,” Regina replied with a regal air, “but quite frankly the card said second place so… can’t be a fake.”

“Oh piss off!”

“Emma!” David scolded, “don’t swear. We raised you better than that!”

“You _didn’t_ raise me! I was found next to a _road_!”

“…. Yes well no-one likes a lady who swears.”

 

****

 

They were 1 hour in and the game was heating up. Money was made and money was lost. Money was given in hand under the low coffee table for promises and shady deals. Emma got cheap rent on Mayfair for half her popcorn. When she reached the bottom of her bowl she realised she should never have made that damned deal with the Dark One.

Henry placed his car token on an owned square with a sigh and looked around.

“Okay, how much do I owe for the landing on the … library?”

“Oh!” Belle called out eagerly, fumbling with her cards “that’s mine!”

The others looked around, confused. Did she…? A library?

“Right,” Belle said excitedly, finally getting some money in of her own. It seemed Rumplestiltskin was content with buying her property, “That’ll be-”

“Wait-” Snow started but was cut off.

“-$300 please.”

“ _Wait._ ” Regina reiterated.

Belle looked at her happily. Damn woodland animal chirpy look.

“Yes?”

“There isn’t a library in monopoly,” Henry explained.

“Well then how come I have a card that says I own it?” Belle showed them the card and they each took it in turn to look over it. It seemed legit. _What_ was going on?

“How did you get a library!?”

“Rumple made it for me.”

“Eugh,” Emma slammed her head on the coffee table.

 

****

 

Three hours in and tensions were running high.

“You come first place in the beauty pageant,” Regina called smugly, putting down her card, “collect $400 from each player!”

She smirked at Snow who looked put out and David placed a consoling arm around her shoulders.

“You’ll always be the fairest lady in the land _to me._ ”

“Yes,” Regina replied, “you’re not forever remembered on a card as spectacular but you’ve found a niche. Good for _you_!”

“Wait,” Emma called for attention, “I’m _pretty_ sure there is no first place beauty pageant card.”

“I have to agree with mom,” Henry said, “there has never been a first place card in this set.”

“Really, Henry? I’d recommend reading it yourself then,” Regina raised one of her perfectly manicured eyebrows and handed him the card to read.

“’You come first place in the beauty pageant,” Henry read out, “Collect $400 from each player. Henry can shut up.’”

“Seems legit,” Rumplestilstkin shrugged.

Everyone grumbled as they handed over their money.

 

****

 

“Call me crazy,” Emma stated, looking at the board, “but I feel like there is cheating going on.”

A chorus of “no!” echoed around the room.

“How could you even _accuse_ us all of this?” Snow looked hurt, “we’re _family,_ Emma. Family doesn’t do that.”

“Well, I’m just saying because… I’ve never seen a luxury 5* hotel option before….” Emma faltered at the look of betrayal on Snow’s face and David’s stern and disappointed look. Talk about a guilt trip!

“I believe you,” Regina replied, looking at Emma’s red jacket with distaste.

“Hey!” Emma cried out defensively as she tugged the jacket tighter around herself, “plus, how can you explain Gold’s levitating hotel with 10 floors of luxury suites and Elvis playing on the weekends?”

“Good business sense,” Rumplestiltskin replied smugly.

“This is seriously messed up. Mom,” she turned to Snow, “ _how_ have you managed to set up a B&B?”

“Well I thought it would be a good investment idea. Some people just don’t want to pay the price of hotels, especially in such busy places like London.”

“ _Seriously!?_ ” Emma could have laughed. Or cried. No, definitely cried, “and _how_ have you managed to put the B&B on a train station!?”

“… because commuters make the best customers. Are you okay? Your face has gone red.”

“I just… feel like I missed an opportunity when I didn’t choke on that popcorn.”

“Trust me, Swan,” Regina said, “we all think that.”

 

****

 

7 hours in and only 3 of them were still playing.

Emma had gone bankrupt when she spent a night in a Sherlock Holmes themed hotel on Bond Street during their peak season of English Detective Appreciation.

“Sorry, Emma,” Belle had said guiltily as Emma handed over everything she had, “it’s just that this is really the busiest time for it, what with Benedict Cumberbatch filming for Dr. Strange.”

Snow had been too busy recording Emma’s first bankruptcy to realise that she had landed on Henry’s mega casino. She’d dropped out pretty quickly, unable to keep her money after looking at her grandson’s ‘adorable little corporate face’. David had followed shortly after, the fun of having his own battleship to move around having worn out rather quickly after he realised it wouldn’t float in the bath. Henry had dropped out soon after, having thrown his money on failed enterprises such as an underwater holiday camp on Pall Mall.

Rumple, Belle and Regina were the last soldiers on the field.

“Welcome to Arabian Palace, Fleet Street,” Regina said primly, “that will be $6,780 for your first night. I hope you enjoy your stay.”

“$6,780?” Belle bit her lip worriedly as she rifled through her money pile, “that’s an awful lot…”

“Belle, sweetheart, let me pay for that for you,” Rumplestiltskin swooped in.

“No, Rumple! I’m still super mad with you because of five minutes ago!” Belle snapped.

Regina rolled her eyes.

“You two have broken up 9 times in 7 hours. Seriously, why do you keep doing this?”

“I don’t know,” Belle responded quietly, “I just don’t feel like myself. Ask the writer.”

_Everyone in the room looked at the writer expectantly. The writer, in turn, sat on her living room sofa and dazedly picked her nose while trying to desperately grasp a plotline to explain how they had come to be playing monopoly in the first place. Maybe a magic bean or an enchanted shit stick or something._

_She was certainly in for it on twitter later._

“Well anyway,” Regina carried on, taking their minds off of such a horrible image, “it’s expensive but worth it. The breakfast is… to die for. Now give me the money.”

“Seriously, Belle, if you’ll-“

“ _No,_ Rumple! It’s because of you that I’m staying in this sordid hotel in the first place! I need some breathing space and _damnit_ I’ve been offered a delicious breakfast at this place!”

“Fine!” Rumple snapped, “See if I care!”

He threw himself back in to the armchair and crossed him arms. Sulking again.

 

****

 

9 hours later and Belle and Rumplestiltskin were making out.

By this time, Emma was asleep next to coffee table and Snow and Charming had gone up to bed. Henry was slouched against the wall doing his homework (not that he’d need it because he hadn’t really spent a lot of time at school recently) and Regina was pretty much drunk.

Rumplestiltskin won in the end.

He always won.

When asked _how_ he won, he merely shrugged and replied either ‘this was clearly my plan all along’ or ‘patience, I’ll tell you one day’.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *the writer sniggers at her own work and hits 'post without preview', forever cursing the online world*


End file.
